After revisiting the Ginger Snaps series, I was inspired to check out a couple of other films with actress Katharine Isabelle who was so great in that series and American Mary. This, despite the fact that both of these sub-genres -- home invasion and straight-up slasher -- are not my particular "bag." Oh, the things a man will put himself through for a pretty face...
|"Who's the leader of the gang that's made for you and me? C-R-E, E-P-Y M-O-U-S-E!"|
|"What have I done to deserves this... movie?"|
Torment - 2012
Written by Michael Foster & Thomas Pound
Directed by Jordan Barker
Torment is a fairly unadorned home invasion flick, which is really little more than a slasher with the personalized paranoia of viewer vulnerability. The threat of home invasion is Bible Truth for a large percentage of Americans. Unfortunately, it's about as factual as the Bible, and believed by many of the same people. But hey! At least it sells more guns! And shut your commie mouth about guns in the home being a greater statistical threat (BY FAR) than home invasion.
|I SURE HOPE THIS DOESN'T BECOME IRONIC LATER!|
Throughout this first part of the film, the director actually does a halfway decent job of building some menace and tension. There's the evident threat from the strangers, and there's also a somewhat well handled story about the young son's mistrust of his new stepmother. Dad actually makes some mature choices, parenting his child and calming his bride's fears. I actually had some hope at this stage.
Then, that night, the boy disappears, leaving shredded stuffed animals behind. They assume that he's run off and go to look for him. Everything after this is pretty much what you'd expect and I'm not going to summarize it.
|This guy got off lucky|
Torment desperately wants to turn it's "family" of killers into a thing, thus accounting for the way that most if not all of them escape both death and police custody at the end. Unfortunately, they're based on a stupid premise and reveal no actual personality.
Katharine Isabelle is completely wasted here, as are Act 1 efforts at establishing a story. Make your own joke about "Torment" and the experience of watching it.
|Kane's Back -- GET IT? I WISH the movie were that clever.|
|And his front. Can we go back to the back?|
Written Nathan Brookes & Bobby Lee Darby
Directed by Jen & Sylvia Soska
So you know how I just slagged Torment? I don't want to take any of it back, but I need a much deeper yardstick to measure the suckage of See No Evil 2. I had low, low expectations going in, but I thought maybe there was a chance that the Soska Sisters could but a twist on it after American Mary. But no, it was just a slasher with an overinflated impression of its ability to challenge Jason Voorhees in a Jason-Off. As there is exactly ONE surprise in the film, I see no sense in summarizing, and will instead share a few of the thoughts that occurred to me as I endured this cinematic abortion.
|Whew! Glass is unbreakable, right guys? GUYS?|
And sure, the guy is a burly, seven foot mass of muscle, but none of that makes him a goddamn shadow ninja or part cheetah, yet somehow, after being pumped full of embalming fluid, he manages to sprint 100+ yards faster than a Volvo, and noiselessly go from behind a character to behind him again. Oh yeah, that embalming fluid. Just one of the many things that should have killed him but didn't. You have not earned the surprise when you betray physical reality that way.
|You know exactly what happens with the next match|
It's roid rage presented as a character, with all the withered nutsack and delightful personality traits to match. And that's just "Kane." The killer character is a couple notches up from that.
I find it interesting that the first Seen No Evil (which I have not seen and will not see) was directed by Gregory Dark, formerly of the weirdo porn producing team, the Dark Brothers (New Wave Hookers), and See No Evil 2 was directed by the weirdo horror producing team (with edgy sexual themes), the Soska Sisters (Dead Hooker in a Trunk). Porn would be more honorable than this ugly, stupid, nihilist garbage.
|Paging Dr. Buxom|
"Grandma, tell us again how you met!"
"Well, I was working in the morgue and Grampa worked there with me."
"No, Grandma, not how you met, but how you fell in love!"
"Oh, that old story. Well, as you know, we were working there one night when the unkillable slab of angry hate-meat was brought in..."
"And then he murdered my brother and all my slutty friends and our co-worker, Wheelchair Guy, and it was just so romantic, I knew we'd be together for the rest of out lives!"
Grandma wasn't far off about that.
In fact, the only surprise in the movie is that Sexy Morgue Doctor gets killed before Meek Morgue Worker. Now you know so I've spoiled the movie for you, and saved your sanity.
|Best "effect" in the movie|
I should have just walked away once the dead slab of angry hate-meat arose, because the movie had nothing fun to offer after that point. The movie picks up immediately after See No Evil, which came out EIGHT years ago, and it's desperately obvious about thinking it deserves to become a series. It doesn't. Don't allow that. You are a bad person if you give this movie your money.
Ugh. Fuck this shitty movie. Fuck "Kane" and fuck Vince McMahon.
REDEEM YOURSELVES, SOSKAS.